She is gone now, though not forever. The prospect of a reunion almost makes distance unbearable. If it were written that we would never be together, if there were a complete and irrevocable break, then perhaps the sharp pain below the surface of my self would ease, would turn to a dull discomfort, and eventually fade. But there is no break, there is not even a slight tear in the fabric of our connection. And so the pain is harsh, irregular, erratic in magnitude and measure. The slightest sensation can be its trigger-an image, a scent, a touch, real or imagined. Even my most buoyant of moods is subject to the quick stab of memory, like a slap across the face. Nights and mornings-the worst times for distant lovers. I lie in bed in the evening, unable to sleep. The evening drifts into the early hours of morning, which bear witness to my fits and starts. These are the times for melancholy, when the expense of a day’s energy has worn me down, and left me only able to reflect, and lapse. "The house was silent and looked deserted. I looked outside and James's car was gone. We went upstairs and Mum was fast asleep, naked. I had a shower and came down to see Jo sniffing the atmosphere. "David," she said, "have you been smoking pot?" "Never", I replied "Mum would kill me." "Well it's her then; this is becoming serious." Mum awoke at about four and Jo asked about the pot. Guiltily she said she tried some at the picnic with James and they had a smoke last night. All the time she was making eye signals with Jo about my presence. Jo told me to leave while they talked privately. Later, Jo filled me in. They had a long talk but all Mum would only agree that she would be careful and scream to us for help if she needed help. James came to visit at about eight, to watch some TV and have a drink and snack, and openly started his continued seduction of my mother.I noticed the lump in his jeans grow as he hugged, stroked arms, back, thighs nibbled and kissed. She was letting go right.
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